SHENPA and the BIG SKY MIND

A concept in Thibetan Buddhism known as “Shenpa” describes the place in our minds where we get “hooked.” These are the places that cause us undo suffering. 

Did you know that we think at the rate of over 500 WPM? That's miraculous...and 90% of what we think is what I call "story," in other words, complete B.S.

• "I'm a bad __________." 
• "No one likes me."
• "What if __________."
• "I should __________."
• "I shouldn't __________."
• "__________ is better than me."
• "__________ thinks he/she is better than me."
• "I'm not enough"

Thoughts - only thoughts. They only become a problem when we attach meaning to them.  We ALL feel anxious, sad, insecure, depressed or lonely sometimes. We all experience physical and emotional pain from time to time. It's human nature. The struggle comes from attachment - a belief that things should or shouldn't be a certain way. In short, suffering comes from arguing with reality.

How do I KNOW that I'm supposed to feel a bit lonely, sad, depressed and anxious lately?  BECAUSE I DO! Shenpa is like a case of the emotional flu - it rises and falls. There is always a beginning, a middle and an end.

It's impossible to get rid of thoughts.

And here's what's on my mind today...

What am I striving for...?

perfection

peace

validation

balance

...PRESENCE

Several years ago, I took a position as a long term substitute teacher in a 2nd grade classroom. I struggled to find balance between being a full time teacher, mother, housekeeper, chef, laundress, bill payer, friend, neighbor and wife. I felt as though I was trying to do everything and succeeding at nothing.

Do you ever beat yourself up? Are you driven to perfection? I remember a day when I worked for 10 hours straight (keep in mind that as a substitute I got paid for 8, and even then I made about $10 per hour). Mine was the last car in the parking lot when I left. I was spent. I had nothing left to offer my own sweet children. Nothing but impatience, and a raunchy attitude. I found myself apologizing a lot. I also found myself eating a HUGE piece of humble pie. I had complained for years that my husband worked too much and too hard.  That his priorities were not in line. I suddenly realized that the thing they say about the shoes...and walking a mile in someone else's...is truer than true. SHENPA..."I'm not good enough. I'm a bad mom. I'm a bad wife. I'm a bad teacher. I'm a bad person."  Thoughts...only thoughts.

How can we expect great things of ourselves and practice self-compassion at the same time? Every attempt to change is an act of self-aggression...but how can we NOT want more for ourselves? These are the things that are on my mind today.

As I was running this evening (trying to work off some shenpa) and mulling this all over, I thought to myself....'Niki...just BE. Right where you are. Just BE.' And I felt peace...for a moment. Until I started thinking again - about the past, the future, and where I feel like I am falling short. 

SHEMPA...this too shall pass.  Everything is as it should be.